Broken English

When some of the 2 billion non-native English speakers in the world try to make themselves understood the result is often broken English - perhaps the most common language in the world?

• In a SAS-plane:
  «Do not put foreign bodies into the lavatory»
• Sign in Schwarzwald, Germany:
  «It is strictly forbidden on our black forrest camping site that people of different sex, for instance men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for this purpose»
• Tokyo:
  «Dirty Water Punishment Place»
• Beijing:
  «Haircuts half price today. Only one per customer»
• German beach:
  «No boots allowed on the bitch»
• Japanese bar:
  «Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts»
• Hotel in London:
  «All fire extinguishers must be examined at least five days before any fire»
• Chinese menu:
  «Cold shredded children and sea blubber in spicy sauce»
• Japanese hotel room:
  «Guests are requested not to smoke or do other disgusting behaviours in bed»
• Business letter when "Götabanken" changed its name to "Gota Bank":
  «Dear friends, we are the same guys as before, although we have lost our pricks.»
• Norwegian Prime Minister after a service in Brasil:
  «Thank you for the mess»
• Newly appointed Danish minister:
  «I am in the beginning of my period»
• From a meeting in the European Commission:
  «The chairman called the meeting to order and asked if there were any matters to discuss under the table»
• Sign outside a Spanish travel agency:
  «Go away»
• Sign outside a temple in Bangkok:
  «It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man»
• Sign at a hotel in Athens:
  «Visitors are expected to complain at the office between 9 and 11 daily»
• Sign in a Japanese Zoo:
  «Children found straying will be taken to the lion house»
• Sign at a hotel in Qatar:
  «Please do not use the lift when it is not working»
• Sign at a Mexican disco:
  «Members and non-members only»
• On the plastic wrapping of a surfboard for children:
  «Danger! Public must note, to kill babies, insert them head into bag. Carefully! Thank you.»
• Female Norwegian football player:
  I tried to screw the ball in the goal
• Swedish businessman:
  «I am a man who likes to have my balls in the air.»
• Exhausted female Swedish football player:
  «I just want to lie down on the coach»
• Norwegian TV-host to an American guest who complained about the slippery winter roads:
  «But didn't you have pigs in your decks?»
• French-Canadian politician:
  «I thank you for giving my wife and me the clap. I thank you from the heart of my bottom.»
• From a ferry in Puerto Rico:
  «In case of emergency, the lifeguard are under the seat.»
• A Norwegian got into a London taxi. He was short on cash, and asked: «Do you take VISA? I'm black, you see.» (norw. "blakk"= out of money). When he realized the black driver, he desperately tried to save the day: «You see, in Norway we call poor people black.»
• Another Norwegian got into a London Taxi on the right-hand side. Astonished at finding the driver inside, he commented: «Excuse me, but in my country the rat is on the other side.» (norw. "ratt"= Steering wheel).
• Danish airline:
  «We take your bags and send them in all directions.»
• Swedish driver in England:
  «Excuse me, what is the fart limit?» (swedish "fart"= speed)
• A Scandinavian au pair in the USA:
  The father in the house: «Do you want to use the rest room before we drive cross State?» Au pair: «No, I can do it in the car.»

Amusing CV-errors:

• Proven ability to track down and correct erors.
• Spesial skills: Thyping.
• I speak English floatingly.
• I am skilled in proolreading.
• I'm a rabid typist.
• I have an obsession for detail. I like to make sure that i cross my i's and not my t's.
• Left my job to ruin my family business.
• I am experienced in private relations.
• Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.

Stewart Clark
English Language Consultant
Phone: +47 920 42 116
stewart@englishmatters.no